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Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
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10:51 pm
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Answers. Quite simply, I have none.
I've struggled to wake up, get my life in order, push myself into motion - any direction would be fine.
Yet I'm standing still. I ask, hands outspread, just what direction am I supposed to be moving?
Four rejections in the last week. Quite clearly, this isn't my time to write. I've sensed this for some time. "Next year," whispers That Voice that I've come to know and trust. "Not this season.
But it's hard to let that go. Especially when I'm so unsure what season of my life I'm in. From Season of Miracles, to Season of Sorrow, to what?
Wouldn't it be a lot easier if I just started writing again?
current mood:  discontent
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| Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
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9:53 pm - Flattened, Fearful...Fervent
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And so I try to move on.
I have my moments. While I've cried this past week, I've occasionally found room for laughter. I haven't crawled into my bed and pulled the covers up to hide me, much I want to sometimes. This is life...it's not fair and it doesn't make sense. But people die, even when they're not supposed to.
Today was my sister's autopsy. These words don't belong together, sister and autopsy. But there are questions that need answers. I try not to think about it, but the purple elephant in the middle of the room is taking a leisurely dump on the carpeting and it's hard not to notice the smell.
o.O Did I just write that?
Yes, I'm angry. One of the stages of grief, right? I'm also afraid and I hate that because I thought we had the panic attacks under control, or we did once. Now this tune plays through my head...your sister died at 38. You're 36...what makes you so safe and sure? I've had something taken from me, the assurance that people died safe in their beds at the age of 89 or so. I mean I knew, I'm not an idiot. Just never so personally, never so...random.
God, I don't understand these things. I don't want to understand these things, I never did. But you force me to open my eyes....
...and my heart beats a little faster. I've spent too long dragging my feet. If I'm going to be a professional writer then there are things I need to do, choices I need to make. Actions I need to take.
I resist, not wanting this to change me so quickly, so rashly. I know this is a reaction to death - the want to live and proove your life. I move headlong, foolishly, unable to stop.
My sister died.
But I...live.
current mood:  determined
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| Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
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12:19 am - Beginnings are always ROUGH
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Why is it so hard for me to do the one thing I love more than any other?
I've spent the last two weeks snowflaking the new novel. I've got 15,000 words of raw detail, notes, outline. The thing is almost written except that it's not. These are all notes. And what do I do today now that I have a database with each and every scene or sequel listed, along with the action, the conflict, etc? I look for more notes to write. I find some emails to send off. I play around on the internet.
And then finally I write.
I stop and start and start again. I read other blogs with other people and wonder if there will ever come a day when a full of mine will be requested. Or if an agent will do more than smile politely when I'm standing in front of her with sweaty palms and rapid-beating heart.
To get there I first have to write.
What I have done before...well it's good. But it's not polished and I don't polish them because I'm trapped by the fear that I'm not good enough to tweak these things I create into something that someone, anyone will ever want to read. And the new novels in my head...they aren't going to write themselves.
So I begin.
Um...does this sound like anything yet?
That summer I was always in a hurry. In a hurry to get my own place. In a hurry to start my life. In a hurry until it seemed I was always running out of breath from one new experience to the next.
The problem with hurrying is that sometimes you hurry so much that it gets hard to stop hurrying. A kiss, a touch, a whispered sigh. Until I’d hurried things along so far that they couldn’t stop and it led to a whole new hurry to get married, to fix the mess that hurrying had put me into.
Put us into.
The light changed and my foot came down hard on the accelerator. With more than a little finesse I shot ahead the cars lined up on each side of me and switched lanes after only the briefest flicker of the signal. Behind me someone honked and I cringed a little and then shrugged it off. It was their fault they’d come away from the light slow. You had to watch the opposite signal, wait for the yellow and be ready like me. “You snooze, you lose!” I sang out as I hit the signal again and took the next corner a little faster than my compact liked.
“Don’t die….don’t die…”
The engine revved again and I sank back against the seat, exhaling loudly.
Away from the heavy traffic on Highway 100, I rolled down the window and enjoyed the feel of the rushing air on my left hand before resting it against the doorframe. Houses flew past on both sides of the road, more than there were in the days when I grew up here. The truck that passed going the opposite direction was a far cry from the farmer’s tractor I had shared the road with only a few years ago when I learned to drive.
Going home always did this to me - made me remember the past.
current mood: determined
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| Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
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9:27 am - Use it or LOSE it!
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Yesterday was the first day of BIW or Book in a Week. I haven't taken part in this group for months and so with a great deal of optimism I signed up to do 50 pages or fresh writing. Oh yeah, and over at MAD Challenge I added in several hours of editing because this IS NaNoEdMo.
Yikes. I'm out of practice. I haven't written regularly since the move. It took me an hour to put 800 words on paper (or screen as the case may be). More than an hour. I struggled with what I wanted to say, hated every stilted paragraph.
This is why a writer needs to write daily.
So I'm starting fresh today. Forget yesterday, that's what edits are for. Move ahead and just tell the story. If that doesn't go well, there is still tomorrow.
I'm going to make this work. I am a WRITER!
current mood:  productive
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| Sunday, February 19th, 2006
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3:00 pm - Back at work!
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Whee! After months and months of silence here I am again! New location, new computer, new everything and ready to work!
Yes, I have more enthusiasm than a person ought to after staying up writing until 2:00 a.m. but then again, I always have been a little crazy.
This is a new beginning for me. This is going to be a wondrous year. :D
current mood:  jubilant
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| Friday, July 8th, 2005
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11:15 pm - Home again
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So, as you can see, I'm back home in one piece. It was a busy two days. I wrote 6,697 words or 27 pages. Pretty much all of that was on a train or in a station. Not bad for 5 hours of work - in fact I would call it a personal best!
I'm still sad. According to Mom, Dad liked the book I left for him. She sounds tired. The doctors didn't have anything good to say today - in fact they want him to undergo another surgery.
Tomorrow Chris promises to read more of my novel than those two chapters he's read thus far. Eek.
And somewhere in this country is a contract from Woman's World coming my way for a piece of writing that I submitted.
Now if that doesn't give a person a flurry of emotions, I don't know what will! Time for bed. MAD has a whole lot of work for me in the morning...
current mood:  indescribable
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3:48 pm - Diary...part V
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Cute sideburns is on this car, but he’s sitting behind me somewhere. I managed to get into line in front of him. On second inspection he’s a lot younger than I first thought. Early twenties are a possibility. I probably reminded him of his mom or something. Hah!!
This is the last chance to write on my challenge. I’m not entirely sure what happens next on the novel, so I expect to wing it. I occasionlly do well of a Seat of the Pants writer. I also do well when I outline. It’s nice being versatile. And I do have an outline of sorts in my head: Jonno challenges the bad guy in his lair. Bad guy plans retaliation. Jonno makes statements of sorts, goes away into a dead city to investigate. Something like that. Waits and is angry when God doesn’t work things out like he wants them to. goes back at the end of forty days thinking nothing has changed, nothing he did made a difference. Ruth returns, shows him that he HAS made a difference. The field is ripe for the harvest. They’ll tackle it together. The End.
Heehee. There I finished my novel. OK, not quite. Now I need to actually WRITE the thing. Back to work for me. I have about fifteen minutes before the train leaves the station. Fifteen minutes to write before I get all sidetracked by scenery. Anyone up for a fifteen minute challenge?
Oh, but I wish this thing had internet connection so I could talk to you in real time on this trip. Still Neo has done the job admirable well.
Just think, in two hours I’ll be home. My vacation is almost over.What have I accomplished? A mostly clean apartment, an emotional hour with my dad, and a fair bit of writing (still need to add up the word count). Lots of writing to go. Time to work!
current mood: chipper
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3:28 pm - Diary... part IV
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That has got to be one of the cutest guys I’ve seen in a long time. And he’s nice to boot! sigh Yes, I know I’m married, but a girl is allowed to appreciate the finer things in life, isn’t she?
So the ride here was uneventful. I wrote, first my morning pages which I hadn’t had time for, and then some on my novel.
I got to the station and started wandering around looking for a phone. I found one on the south concourse, which is where I’m supposed to be until I get on the next train. Then, after I contacted Chris, I set off on a food hunt. I had no real breakfast or lunch today and was completely FAMISHED! Upstairs I discovered an entire food court, and a store where I could buy a postcard for Chanpheng. This accomplished (and mind you it took some doing because I swear that everyone working there was hired because their IQ corresponds with a track number downstairs. Then, after exploring a little I found a bakery with salads and sandwiches. I ordered a combo figuring a half sandwich and small salad would be about right.
Then I found the cute guy. *sigh* I went downstairs and figured out which gate I was supposed to be at and sat down next to every girl's fantasy. He looked over as I unwrapped my sandwich and with a smile he met my gaze with friendly blue eyes and said, “That smells good.”
“It does, doesn’t it?” I asked, looking away to my tray of food. “It’s my first meal today.”
This confession he meet with another smile and returned his attention to the brochures in his hands. He’s been sitting here long enough to get bored and grab lots of colorful advertisements from the rack only a foot away.
I ate and then asked him if by any chance he knew where the restroom was. He gestured with a muscled arm, giving me verbal directions as well.
When I came back someone had stolen my seat. He gave me a “what can I do?” sort of look and I smiled. “It was where you said. Thank you!”
And thus ended our conversation. He’ll be on the same train as me though. *grin* I shall sit where I can enjoy his classic sideburns all the way home.
Oh, but I’ve been gone too long from Chris. Honey, just you wait until I can get you alone! *growl*
current mood: amused
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12:15 pm - Diary of blah blah blah: part III
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*takes deep breath and continues from previous day*
OK, Mom came home and she talked to me. She and Dad have decided that they don’t want anymore payments on the van. They say they can’t deal with that with everything going on in Dad’s health right now. I’m stunned as she hands me a check with $200 on it – what we’ve sent them so far as payments. (later as it turns out because this is a certified check, second party, I can’t do a thing with it until I get home. Great).
Lynda comes after that and I feel like we’re rushed out the door. Dad needs to eat, mom is tired and I think I tire her more with my chatter. I kiss and hug them several times. Then it’s time to go. 150 miles, two days and I’ve spent an hour with my Dad. I wish now I had said more. Done more. It wasn’t enough.
*wipes tears from eyes* OK, so we left and went back to the apartment. Were there for an hour and then off to Oscar’s for wonderful homemade custard and a salad. I really wanted that…salad. I surprise myself as I get older. I couldn’t even finish my sundae (which was huge – Chocolate covered cherry bang. Love the name). After that Lynda treated me to “Sin City” at the theater. I think I’m going to have an interior monologue from now on.
Afterwards we came home. Talked. Read “The Message” out loud to each other, cried, hugged and sorted socks. Fell asleep role-playing in conversation format. Today we’re supposed to pretend that Duchess Margeruite has sent for us and so will pay out passage when we get off the ship. I stole the Duchess’ signet ring (no, not stole. FOUND. big difference.) and hope that will be enough to verify out story. We’re counting on the fact that the duchess is such a blithering idiot that she’ll pay our way without complaint. She’ll never remember that she didn’t send for us. *grin* Yes, we're both nuts.
Slept off and on for about 10 hours. The cat jumped up and down to the window, launching himself from the spot next to my pillow each time. I got a face full of fur several times. This, I’m sure, will wind up in a story SOMEWHERE.
The next morning we made a plan. I called the bank – they would cash the check if I brought in two forms of ID and agreed to be fingerprinted. Lynda thought I was joking about the fingerprints. I wasn’t. We went to the bank and then found out that because this was a second party check it couldn’t be cashed without THEM there. Oh, but I GIVE UP.
Stopped at Sentry. I saw THE CAKE. The best cake in the world. I wanted to take one home with me but knew better than to try. Can you imagine it – all those hours on the train, in the station, with a chocolate layer cake next to me? It would never arrive in one piece. grin Oh, but I could make mmyself sick with that!
Afterwards we wandered off to Northwestern Publishing House for their big 20% off sale. This is providential. Also nice, I could buy things and put them on Chris’ account rather than paying. we’ll deal with the check at home, and I could pay Chris then. I bought way too many books, including two on prayer. My prayer life isn’t as good as it could be. I hope (pray) that I’ll be inspired by these books. I’m always willing to learn.
We dropped off a book of devotions for dad. They weren’t home because Dad had dialysis this morning. We left it tied to the doorknob and went back to Lynda’s where I tried to figure out how to put THAT MANY BOOKS into my carryon. Oh, but this is going to be a heavy trip.
And I wanted to write on the way home. How will I keep from opening the books?
So here I sit in the station. I’ve said good-bye to Lynda and now I wait. I’m nervous. I will be until I’m on the train to Kankakee. Because by then, all the hard things will be past. I’m worried a little about the security. I saw so little on my ride here yesterday. Amtrak is not safe. I don’t feel safe.
Lord, watch out for me on my journey home.
current mood:  anxious
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| Thursday, July 7th, 2005
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10:47 pm - Diary of a MAD Writer: Part II
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How tired is it physically possible for a person to get? Oy, I don’t even want to think about it – but we got SO MUCH accomplished. I got completely sidetracked (ooh a pun!) while coming into Milwaukee, but still had 9 pages at the end of the ride. Yes, a person can get a lot done with a trusty little Alphasmart Neo, can’t they?
After the initial anxiety of showing up in the station and not seeing Lynda we found each other and set off for her home. We drove by my old college but I don’t even recognize the place anymore as they’ve added many buildings that didn’t used to be there. It’s strange to recognize and not recognize something at the same time.
My mom called as we were at Lynda's apartment. Dad wasn’t feeling well, was light headed and stuff. She wanted me to come earlier – to watch dad while she was getting her hair done. Originally she wanted me to wait until she got back from the beauty parlor. He was so tired when I showed up. Lying in bed and weak. His voice dipped in and out. Sometimes strong and he wanted badly to know what the kids were like. I wish I had brought them all though it would have worn him out terribly. sometimes he would close his eyes, take a shaky breath and then lie there a moment, his mouth parted slightly. I would think to myself, 'this is it. He’s dying right now.' And then he would open his eyes and try to speak.
I wish I had had better words for him today. I feel like I’ve missed my chance so much.
Before Mom came home he talked to me. He wanted me to have certain books for the children. He wanted me to have his guitar which he used to love more than anything else.
I’m crying now. He was saying good-bye.
Mom came home and she talked to me.
[break]
current mood: sad
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6:30 am - Diary of a MAD Writer on the Loose
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I have no idea what time it is. You would think that someday I’d realize the value of knowing the time and buy a watch. Or replace the batteries in the old watch I used to wear back when it mattered what time it was. Back when I had a “real” job.
I got up after four hours of sleep, tried to rub the grit out of my eyes and came to the conclusion that my eyes were nothing but grit. Staggered into the kitchen for breakfast and wondered at DH who somehow had the same amount of sleep was cheerful and well-rested. Thankfully so because he had to drive me to the station.
The babysitters came while I was in the shower. I made the mistake of kissing the children good-bye before I left. This woke up Tad who kept saying good-bye in that little voice that shows he’s terrified of life without mommy for one and half days. Go figure, the kid just spent two weeks at his grandparent and would forget to call me for days at a time.
After a near accident on the expressway (not our fault – two cars bumped right in front of us) we arrived at the station with panic levels not horrible. Well, not great either. I’ve been tense and anxious for days. I’m looking forward to starting counseling next week to tackle this panic problem and maybe get my self-esteem out of the cellar. (Repeat after me “I am a worthwhile person, a talented writer, and people love me.”)
At the station I immediately became grateful that we didn’t follow the original plan of Chris dropping me off and heading home. He came in and helped me sort out several things. First that the ticket counters were closed until 6:30a.m. My train was to leave at 6:00. Yikes! I had made Internet reservations and immediately worried until my super-intelligent sweetheart showed me that you could punch in your numbers to the machine in the lobby and get your tickets that way. *sigh of relief* Then we had to figure out which gate I was supposed to go to.
All this time I’m hearing on every television in the place about the explosions in London. I keep thinking how there is no security at all in Union station. Can we say target? Anxiety levels rise with each news reporter rehashing the details. I’m thankful that I got rid of the TV at home. I don’t want to hear the news over and over. I want to read it once in the newspaper and deal with it that way.
When we find my gate and Chris leaves me (with many kisses to the amusement of the other people waiting) I sit down and pray for the people in London.
I’m still nervous about traveling along. A kind woman with her grandson is sitting nearby and we talk a little. I tell her how this is my first trip alone. She smiles and doesn’t seem to mind when I attach myself to her. she even shares her donuts with me on the train!
So here I sit, staring out the window and seeing some clouds on the horizon. Chicago is a distant memory – not even a hazy outline in the distance. Milwaukee is another half an hour ahead. At least. I have no idea. I don’t have a watch, remember?
I really need to get a watch.
current mood: determined
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| Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
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3:14 am - How in the world did it get to be February???
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Well, I'm wandering around to blogs tonight and wondering what the heck I have them for if I'm never going to write in them. Sad, ne? So, here I am, blathering about nothing in particular just so that the poor pathethic thing can be updated.
What a great month I had in November. I totally amazed myself by writing so much! I wish I could do it again and wonder if a February challenge is in order just to get my tail in gear on the Written World at the very least. Or maybe finish editing "In the Balance" so that it can be sent out.
Oy! So much to do!
In the meantime I've seen some new anime that I absolutely adore. Hooray for birthdays! From the icon you can gather I loved Read or Die, along with the ROD TV series. I reserved the next volume of this that's due out in a couple of weeks and can't wait.
Other anime I've acquired:
Stellvia vol 1: Kawaii space girl that reminds me of Usagi in Sailor Moon. Fun and I'll definitely look for more.
Kaleido Star vol. 1: Another that's cute, that I'd like to see more of.
Spiral vol 1: I NEED MORE OF THIS! Wow! Good story, good characters!
Can I whine about how we don't have money for more anime until the next big holiday comes around? *whimper* Still, it was a great birthday ( and thanks Kirei for the two volumes for ROD!!!!) and for any rich people reading this, I DO have an Amazon wish list under Katagillian.....
Gee Laurie, aren't you glad you dropped by???
Ja ne!
current mood:  silly
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| Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
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10:56 am - Whee! I'm FINISHED!
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Yesterday I wrote like crazy and now my NaNo novel is completely finished. The storyline isn't but hey, that's what NaNo's are for, right? So, yes there will be a book 4 to this fantasy series, though I don't know if I'm supposed to start it today and therefore have a SECOND NANO NOVEL by the end of the month, or just wait until next year.
Part of me wants to start it now. ^_^
Who would have thought I could write nearly 35,000 words in a single week?
O.o
Isn't NaNo great?
current mood: accomplished
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| Sunday, November 14th, 2004
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1:51 am - Oy - Carpel Tunnel syndome!
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I just realized how long it's been since I posted here. How is everyone doing on their writing goals? If you're doing NaNoWriMo, how's your word count? I hope everyone is having a great November!
The story that had no plot before I began has more than enough thank you right now. I've been working on it for 13 days and it currently stands at 38,135 words. I never would have gotten this far if it weren't for Holly's insane challenge to write 50,000 words (250 pages) in one week. I've written over 25,000 words this week and have amazed myself at every turn. Thank you Holly!
Also, since I've posted last I've been made moderator of MAD Challenge mailing list. Whee! What fun even if it is a lot of work. Thank heavens for Laurie (*hugs* Laurie)
And now we return you to your regularly scheduled program...
current mood: silly
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| Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
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1:34 pm
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| Monday, October 25th, 2004
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12:39 pm
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*runs screaming* I don't have a PLOT!
current mood:  restless
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| Thursday, October 14th, 2004
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11:42 pm - Whee! I'm back into HTML!
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What fun! I started going through my old NaNoWriMo stuff today and instead of sitting around regretting that I hadn't made a webpage for my second year novel, I made on. Check it out!
Then, I started a page for this year.
Neither page is finished yet, though Fadeaway will be soon. I can't really construct the page decently for this year until I start writing. :-D
Oh, and then because of some comments I'd seen regarding the term "NaNo" and the whole thing Mork used to say on "Mork and Mindy" (yes, I'm a child of the 80's) I created this:
My, I love the weeks leading up to November!
current mood: accomplished
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| Sunday, October 10th, 2004
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1:52 pm - Prep work
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I've got notes, I've got a world, I've got characters.
I've got no patience at all when it comes to waiting for NaNoWriMo! I wanna write! *cries*
Wait a minute - once that clock starts ticking I'll have to write a lot more words every day than I have for a long time. There will be that awful feeling of knowing you've got thousands of words to go and only a week to get there. Every waking minute will be filled with the knowledge that you haven't finished a novel in the year since the last NaNoWriMo - what makes you think you can do it now.
Somebody stop the clock! I'm not ready!
current mood: indescribable
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| Sunday, October 3rd, 2004
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9:43 pm - Less than a month...
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How did it come to be October already? I'm signed up for NaNoWriMo, but hardly ready to go. This year I'm hoping to finish the Alyssa / Bear / lots of other characters story I've been working on for the last two years. I love this story, but have so many loose ends now it's going to be quite the job to tie it all together and have it end neatly with 50,000 words.
And then what will I do with it?
current mood: dreaming
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| Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
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5:57 pm - Well, that's that then...
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Dear Kristine:
Thank you for the opportunity to review IN THE BALANCE, and consider it for publication with Heartsong Presents. Your proposal has been given careful consideration, and unfortunately, does not meet our current needs. At this time, the market is incredibly tight, leaving few slots for new authors. We encourage you to continue honing your skills through writers' conferences and workshops.
Kristine, your story was a hard one to reject. I thought your writing was good and your story is the kind of story we are looking for. The problem with IN THE BALANCE (and the reason for the rejection) is the story is in the genre of women's fiction instead of a romance focused story. Heartsong Presents publishes only romance focused stories. A romance focused story is one in which the relationship between the hero and heroine are the focus of the story.
True, in a romance focused story, there can be (and should be) other things happening in the storyline. However, if these other things overshadow the story of the hero/heroine's relationship, it is not a romance focused story.
I hope this makes sense to you. If you have questions re this please Email me at this address and I will try to explain it to you better.
We appreciate that you would consider Heartsong Presents as a possible publisher of your manuscript. We wish you all the best in your writing endeavors.
Blessings To You and Yours,
Jim Peterson.
Acquisitions Editor Heartsong Presents/Managing Editor Peterson INK, inc.
current mood: disappointed
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